Conan O´ Brian 95'

 

CONAN
All right, everybody, we're back! We're sitting here with Elton John! Life is good.

[audience is still cheering]

CONAN
Ahhh, again, uh, thank you so much for ah, for coming back on the program. An' congratulations, your--your *thirtieth,* anniversary and uh--

ELTON
With Bernie, yeah.

CONAN
With Bernie Taupin--

ELTON
We been together for thirty years, yeah. Not bad, huh?

CONAN
Yeah, not bad at all.

[audience cheering]

CONAN
Thirty years with, an'--an'--an' when you started out, someone told meyou--you had *no* money when you started out, you had both failed in somekind of competition. Is that right, uhhhh, a song writing competition--

ELTON
No. No. No, I, no, I'd, I'd answered an advertisement for Liberty Recordsin England an' I, I couldn't write s--lyrics, so um, I just said, "I needa lyric writer" and, he, the lyrics were on the desk an' someone said,"oh just take these an' come back when you've, written something," so, Idid. And I didn't meet Bernie for a long time, an'--uh, you know, afterI'd written the first few songs--anyway. An', you know, we still haven'tcollaborated on a song in the same room. I mean, we've just b--it's allbeen separate, you know?

CONAN
I, I thought, when you were first starting out, didn't you write--you--you both lived at, uh--your mother's house.

ELTON
Yeah. We both, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

CONAN
An', an' you--you--you had to--you slept in bunk beds.

ELTON
Yes. Ha ha ha ha! [audience is laughing too]

CONAN
But no *songs* were written there.

ELTON
No.

CONAN
Good.

ELTON
Not in the bunk beds, anyway.

CONAN
Okay, yeah, yeah. I don't want--"Rocketman," written in a bunk bed. I don't wanna, think about it.

ELTON
No.

CONAN
And uh, you wrote--you wrote songs for uh, Engleburt, Humperdink--

ELTON
Oh, in the early days, Bernie {and I had a} contract to write cheesy songs for Engleburt Humperdink.

CONAN
[laughs] The contract said--

ELTON
We *did* write them, but--you know--they were so bad, that nobody ever recorded them--thank goodness. Yeah.

CONAN
Now, clearly, you'd--you'd come up with a good one, an' you'd just,"put that in the drawer, I'll save that for later."

ELTON
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You're--

CONAN
Give Engleburt the, the crap, basically.

ELTON
Yeah. Absolutely. [Conan and audience are laughing] Yeah. Exactly. You've got it right.

ELTON
Yeah.

CONAN
He's watching somewhere: very angry.

ELTON
Yeah.

CONAN
Ahhh, also, uh, I wanna talk about your--your fiftieth birthday party,because I've seen pictures of this thing. [audience chuckles in anticipation] And, it doesn't resemble a birthday party, that I've ever been to. [audience is cheering] Uh, uh: you--you went all out for this
party.

ELTON
Uh, well you have to, don't you, really. I mean you're fifty an' uh--

CONAN
[shrugs] --I--

ELTON
I wen--I went so "all out" that I had to be taken in a furniture removal lorry to this place, yeah.

CONAN
I've heard--well, let's see this costume--this is what you *wore*, atyour birthday party.

[Close-up on a photo: ELTON standing, wearing an all white, Colonial era,feather bedecked, costume and big wig--so big it holds a glitteringminiature *ship*. The audience reacts in glee, cheering!]

CONAN
An' you said you, you had to be transferred in a--in a--in a--in a*truck*.

ELTON
{Well, let's talk about--the *hair* was *three* foot tall for a*start*. And uh, I had--

CONAN
*Mine* was the first year of this show, incidentally. Yeah. [audiencelaughs]

ELTON
Yeah. And uh, yes, we had to go in, in a big old truck. And,and it took forever to get there. It took us--an hour and a quarter to go--

CONAN
An' then they lowered you in a hydraulic--

ELTON
Yeah. By which time, my head was goin' "aaaaaa!" Like--uh--that MargeSimpson, the hair was going "aaaaa.. aaaa... aaa.." [audience laughs athis pantomime of a groaning tilt]

CONAN
Yeah. Familiar with that show, yeah. Ah. [audience laughs]You ah, you ah--ya--'cause when *I* go, when I go to the Gap, an' I buy ashirt, if it needs dry cleaning, if it says "dry clean only," I do not buyit. All right? You're wearing, things that say--you know--"hydraulic lift
only."

ELTON
Yes. [audience laughing]

CONAN
You know, that seems like it's a whole other level of difficulty. [audiencecheers]You ah, ah--

ELTON
Skinflint, you are, huh?

CONAN
[laughing] Yeah, oh--what are you *talking* about? I could hook youup with some great clothes.

ELTON
Really.

CONAN
[about his jacket] J.C. Penny. Yeah.

ELTON
--Really-- {The Gap} [chuckling]

CONAN
[chuckling] Um, ah. Yeah. Please. Don't mock my clothing. It's too easy.Ah.. Ah, your documentary. This is fascinating, ah, it's--it's ah, called,"Tantrums and Tiaras."

ELTON
Yes.

CONAN
And, you, were not afraid, I guess just to be yourself.

ELTON
No.

CONAN
Completely uh, com--com--you know, just--just completely "warts an' all," for the camera.

ELTON
--Yeah.

CONAN
And it's quite fascinating because there's a clip here, of you, whereyou're a *tad* upset. And. And *I* would have cut this out. If there wasto take uh, you know, footage like--I've suppressed footage like this of*me*. But uh, but you're willing to let people see it.

ELTON
Yes, of course.

CONAN
[laughs and audience cheers] {Let's have a--have a, I'm gonna--hold--let's--let's} roll this clip, ahhh. I guess this is, I--I think you haveto do a video and you're not quite happy about doing a--a video.

ELTON
Uh videos are the kind of--I don't like them very much, so--and I get very nervous about them an' then, well, you'll see from this clip.

CONAN
Let's take a look.

[Video: ELTON is waiting impatiently having an outburst while standing around with two other guys in a "green" room. He's wearing a sort of fur
coat.]

ELTON
Listen, I get up about *seven* o'clock in the morning to *get* here, an' I'm ::bleep::ing {only person to} ::bleep::! {The clothes on the clock!} What the ::bleep:: is going on?!

BOTH MEN
[quiet] {Well none of us--and that's--absolutely inexcusable. It's*really* inexcusable. There's no reason-- No reason to do. Yeah. Give them one chance to. Yeah}

ELTON
I couldn't give a ::bleep::. I make music. I don't ::bleep::in' make films. I *hate* ::bleep::in' videos. They're ::bleep::ing loathsome. And I tell you this: I am *not* doin' this video. [leaving with bag]

MAN
{Well, the car will be back} in five minutes, {he's only gone for the car.}

ELTON
[absently comes back in] It's not gonna be *back* in five f::bleep::in' minutes! He's going right back in the center of Manhattan!

[Return to Conan, audience cheering, Elton laughs at Conan's comments.]

CONAN
Now.
Now I'm just afraid you're gonna blow up at me at any second. I {really want} to see *that* Elton mad. Just for a minute.

ANDY
It--It is better too, if you're gonna have a, a scene like that, to have it in a leopard print.

[everyone's laughing]

ELTON
Yes. I look like--I look like a Slightly Larger and Less Coifed Jackie Collins.

[audience cheers]

CONAN
But it works.

ELTON
It works. Well, the whole, the whole point of doing the, the documentary is 'cause you watch them an'--ahhh documentaries--an' they're so reverential, "Oh, he was so lovely an' I loved him an' he was always there for me an'"--you know. {We can't help}--we're Monsters, you know?

[Conan and audience laughter]

ELTON
Oh it's--and uh, I just thought it was about time someone was a bit honest instead of, you know, just, glossing everything over.

CONAN
Right. And what's it like--when--when--the people in that *room,* uh, because you're Elton *John* an' you're--you're--you're an icon to these people and uh--well they also work for you, ah-- [audience laughs] -- what's it *like* when--uh--is there anyone who stands *up* to you, an' says--

ELTON
Oh, yeah. I mean, but those two were buckling down pretty hard, "Oh you gotta do--oh, I agree with you," But I say, " Well, I *hate* videos"--"Oh, I agree! I agree!" Oh!
[Everyone is laughing] [imitating] "We hate them, too!" "But this one's costing three hundred thousand dollars an'--*PLEASE* *STAY!*"

[audience enthusiastically cheers]

CONAN
Oh, the uh. Uh, I didn't get to ask you this--uh--last time, 'cause I'm intrigued by your middle name, which you *gave* yourself.

ELTON
Yes indeed. [people are laughing]

CONAN
Uh, it-it--

ELTON
It was a toss up between Gladys an' this one, yeah.

CONAN
Well, you chose Hercules.

ELTON
Yeah.

CONAN
An'--an' you gave yourself the name Hercules an' I'm wondering what in--
what inspired that name.

ELTON
Well basically--no one really *uses* their middle name, do they? I mean..

CONAN
No.

ELTON
Not really. I mean--

CONAN
I don't use mine an'--an'--

ELTON
What's yours?

CONAN
Uh my name--my real--my real middle name is Christopher.

ELTON
Well, yeah. You'd be C.C. O'Brien.

CONAN
Exactly.

ELTON
Ha ha ha!

CONAN
Yeah, right.

ELTON
Sounds like a soul star. [fey announcer voice] "Now with his latest single: *C.C. O'Brien*!"

[audience laughs and cheers]

CONAN
I like it!

ANDY
Actually. Actually, uh, my full name is Paul Andrew. An' I go by my middle name, so--

CONAN
*What?*

ELTON
Ahhh.

ANDY
I--I'm "the exception that proves the rule."

ELTON
Yeah. {Right.}

ANDY
I think.

ELTON
Well, I just thought that, you know there are bet--my origin--my original, name was Reginald Kenneth Dwight which, you know, they're--all three of them--are completely a no-no for me. [ANDY and audience laughs]

CONAN
Three bad names.

ELTON
Three bad names, ahh. I couldn't change the surname. Um. Well I could, well I did. But I mean--

CONAN
I was gonna say--yeah. Ha ha!

ELTON
Well Dwight in America is a christian name, right, so--but I didn't want that either so I thought, no, Hercules is--anyway. There used to be this program in England called "Steptoe an' Son," an' the horse used to be called Hercules, so, what the hell.

CONAN
See.. You named yourself after a television horse.

ELTON
Exactly, because-- [audience is laughing] You know, I was thinking, "Am I hung like one," an' I thought, "Yes!"

[audience claps and cheers long as Conan very blankly stares at camera]

ELTON
--Thank you!--

CONAN
Wellll, "I can relate," ah--ha! Now.

ELTON
--Yes, you can relate, yes.--

CONAN
We'll ah. We're gonna class the show up, I--I swear we will--

ELTON
--Yes--

CONAN
--at one point. Ah, the uh, your touring schedule, now, I was looking at your touring schedule, an' you--you know--you usually play, these ah, these big shows. Now you're doing something radically different. You're gonna go an' visit, small towns an' play the small towns that you've never been in before.

ELTON
Yeah, like Fargo. Well--I--I've never played Fargo.

CONAN
You're gonna go to Fargo?

ELTON
Yeah. Oh *yah.* Oh *yah.*

CONAN
[laughs and audience laughs] Yah?

ELTON
Oh yah!

CONAN
Oh yah!

ELTON
We might have dinner in Brainard, actually. That'll be good.

CONAN
[everyone's still laughing] Oo, really?

ELTON
Uh, an' then we're gonna go to Moline.

CONAN
--Uh-huh--

ELTON
Yeah.

CONAN
Are you doing this just to--I mean--what--what inspired this, why did you say, "I've *got* to go to Fargo."

ELTON
Well, *next* year I'm goin' on the road with Billy Joel, again. An', we're gonna go around the world-- [audience cheers] --and, I figured that we've played enough big places on the last tour and it'd be nice to go an' play places that we haven't played for a long time, like Memphis and {Nash}ville. [to a couple audience cheers] Yeah. [people laugh] And um, and places we've *never* played, you know, because, you know, "let's go there."

CONAN
Why not.

ELTON
Why not.

CONAN
No reason not to do it. Uh, I *did* want to mention, um, that the--the uh Elton John AIDS Foundation--this is amazing. Uh, you have raised, is it thirteen, million dollars? So far?

ELTON
Yeah, so far. Yeah.

CONAN
Thirteen million dollars: that's an incredible--

[audience cheers]

CONAN
And I think a greater achievement is uh, is you've got your face on a credit card.

ELTON
Yeah. [audience laughs]

[close-up on VISA]

CONAN
Which is like, that is--now let me understand how this works: there's a VISA card with your face on it. So anything I buy this with, the bills go to you, is that how this works? [audience laughs loud]

ELTON
Yes. So don't be afraid to splash out on a new suit.

[everyone laughs]

CONAN
Ahh, ahh. [kisses card and puts it in jacket's inner pocket]

ELTON
It'll be, it'll be, uh {Zenia} an' Armani, now, an' J.C. Penny--forget it.

CONAN
Ha ha! I don't, I--it just wouldn't *work* on me. You know--

ELTON
It would! An Armani suit? Would look very good. Yeah.

CONAN
Really? Would I look good in an Armani suit?

ELTON
Yeah.

CONAN
[quiet, acting resentful] Well, this show's never--pays for an Armani suit
for me.

ELTON
No? [audience laughs]

CONAN
[calling over] Jeff? Can I get an Armani suit?

[silence, scattered laughs in audience, then sudden laughter]

CONAN
Oh, *now* it's "yes." Yeah.

ELTON
{It's} "Hmm-hmm." Ha ha!

CONAN
You put a camera on him an' it's "yes." Ha ha ha! Yeah, right. No, *Opie* in an Armani suit. Um. [audience laughs] Quickly, before we go, ah, someone told me an'--I just--I love these kind of things. But you are, you have a house where you're a neighbor to the Queen, right? You're neighbors with the Queen.

ELTON
[snorts] Yeah.

CONAN
In Windsor.

ELTON
Be careful here, right? Yes.

CONAN
--Yes, I'll be very care--

[audience laughs]

CONAN
I think my--I think my little slip-ups are *far* more more interesting.

ELTON
{You're right.}

CONAN
And uh, you also have a house which--in--in a way--is *more* impressive to me, uh where--where you're neighbors with Joan Collins. Is that right?

ELTON
No. It's not Joan Collins, it's Tina Turner, actually.

CONAN
Oh, Tina *Turner?*

ELTON
Yeah.

CONAN
Oh, I heard it was Joan Collins.

CONAN
Yeah--well that was the British press, you know, never believe anything about them. "He lives next door to Joan Collins." I know, I actually live very near to Tina Turner, in France, yeah.

CONAN
An' ya--can ya see--

ELTON
It's a bit more exciting, don't you think?

[audience is cheering]

CONAN
Ha ha ha! *I* don't know. [audience cheers louder] I'd like to see--I'd like to see--

ELTON
Either one, {I can} go over an' borrow a wig.

[everyone laughs long]

CONAN
Oh! Man, uh, you're also uh, before we go, oh, we can't top that. I've gotta add-- [audience cheers] You're gonna be a Road Comic. Ha ha! Within six months. Making your way around, ah. I have to mention the uh, "The Big Picture," which is the new CD, right here, is out. And, the Broadway musical, "The Lion King," opens, November 13th, [E: "--thirteenth, yeah--"] and that's at Disney's New Amsterdam Theater, right here in New York City, and there are new songs that you've written.

ELTON
There are three new songs, and the staging and the direction by Julia Tamor is something else, so--I mean--I think it's gonna be brilliant. So.

CONAN
And, you're going to come back a little later in the show-- [E: "I am."] --you're gonna join us and you're going to sing, uh--

ELTON
I'm just off to buy you a new suit, I'll be back. [audience is cheering]

CONAN
Ha ha! Okay! An' you're gonna be singing a little later on.

ELTON
{Yes. That's right.}

CONAN
Uh, Elton John, we--we can't thank you enough. A real pleasure as always. Elton John, everybody. [audience intensifies cheering]